OMG NEW START!

this is what i'm gonna wear! and this is where i'll be! omg omg all my like regrets will be gone at midnight or maybe it's like 12:01? maybe we should have a special countdown to like 12:01!

breathe in. breathe out.

in the simple gestures of cleaning the apartment, unpacking clothes, making tea, we are here. we are here and we are together. we are human and capable of wonderful things. in the crooked smiles of the man i am going to spend the rest of my life with, i can come back and say, this is my life. we are here. we can breathe, and we are alive.

red wine also helps.

a difference of taste. or lack of.

me: what kind of cake should i make today?
bastian: umm...
me: a spicy one... or white... or chocolate...
bastian: chocolate! chocolate sounds good.
me: yes! with chocolate frosting.
bastian: eww. really? why frosting?

the nerve of this man!

the words we spoke on freezing south street

sometimes bastian and i are able to share memories from our childhoods and sometimes not. music is touch and go. i played bright eyes on youtube because i'd long deleted it and HE LIKED IT. i am NOT KIDDING. my mind was blown. my mind is still blown. my mind is in an ongoing process of being blown. 

do you know anyone who was happy and well-adjusted and an extremely nice person who listened to bright eyes? bastian has no right in liking bright eyes. he's way too happy. i should really cover his ears from the wrath of conor oberst's wine-fueled breathy heaving. i have not typed "conor oberst" in a long time. 

renewing my visa

when i applied for my passport in 2007, i went to rite-aid with jess and i told this guy about our age that i wanted a passport picture. 

"k," he'd said, picking up a digital camera. "stand over there." 

i stood against a door. 

"all right," he said. "give me action! give me adventure! give me 'i'm leaving the country!'"

i stood there. 

"you can at least smile," he said, lowering the camera. i smiled. he snapped the picture and a couple months later i was able to see my 22-year old smiling face in my american eagle wool coat. 

then i was getting my visa in germany and i went to the first place that said "Passfotos" that i saw, which was about a million miles from my apartment. i went inside and waited. my features did the talking. 

"Sie brauchen Passfotos, oder?"

i nodded. nods aren't as acceptable in germany. the man waited, patient.

"ja, bitte," i squeaked and thought about throwing out a "jawohl!" for good measure. 

so i got pictures taken without many words. i looked like a serial killer with a sarcastic streak.

today i went to aok to get a form that says i have insurance. i waited next to an asian dude about my age. when they called for the next person, the lady looked at me and stared at the guy, waiting for him to come join me but he buried his face in his messenger bag. some asians take great strides as not to look like we're with the one next to us. 

when i feel lazy i pretend to speak worse german than i do. today was one of those days. people fill in the blanks for you. i know i should try to prove to people that americans really try to learn other languages or i'm this or that but i don't always feel like being a representative for america or for asian-americans. actually i never do and it's exhausting to explain gun laws and obama's chances for 2012 and the tea party and big cars and fast food and vacation time and health insurance.

while walking back to my apartment from aok, i passed two shops that take passport pictures and i went into the first one. i sat down and stared into the camera, relaxing my face as much as possible. you can't smile in german passport pictures. that makes sense to me because the passport should reflect how people look all the time. with that in mind, i tried to look "normal" for myself. 

i look as if someone just said something and i'm turning to them, staring at them, about to open my mouth and say the most fantastically smart-ass response possible. mission accomplished.

shut the front door

for days my mom has been all, "no change, no change." i checked my email this morning and BAM my brother's a dad.

blurred

i am slipping away.

NOVEMBURRRRRRRRRN

even though i haven't even done anything substantial in germany (though it doesn't matter since i'm in my 20s and i get to do stupid, meaningless things; which, thank god for that shit), at least i got to pick my teeth up from the ground and put them in my pocket. i feel like not many people form that sentence.