Someone in my dictionary's up to no good

This is going to be one of those non-sensical, disjointed entries.

Last weekend we went to Edam with B's family. We saw some ridiculous prettiness. Everything was cute. EVERYTHING. It seemed like a teeny town untouched by anything outside of it. Everyone seemed super-nice and son of a monkey, did I mention how pretty everything was?! We visited Amsterdam too, walking everywhere and just watching things. Strangers were so personable that I felt I was back in the midwest, except of course in Amsterdam there were canals, cobblestones, pot and people with a better fashion sense. It was all so pretty, so hip, so relaxed. B told me before we left Dresden that Amsterdam was one of the cities he could see himself living in. I could see this I suppose, but I do think I would want to move on after a year or so. There were many many places and corners of the city we didn't see that are probably fascinating, but I couldn't do it for the rest of my life. I feel strangely dead-set on living in either Germany or the US for the rest of my days. ANYWAY. We didn't take any digital pictures and only had B's grandpa's old camera but it made a nicer experience I think. We enjoyed a lot of things first and then decided to take a picture, not the other way around, like we sometimes do if we have a digital camera.

Poor B hasn't had two consecutive days off in a row for months, so it was very nice for him to relax a little. It was also nice to come back to Dresden. As we got off the train at Bahnhof Neustadt, we joked about Neustadt's smell, but we of course love Dresden.

conversations

me: I read this really mean way to get rid of fruit flies. You

And then it dawned on me

I'm kind of having a bad year.

I realized that today.

I would write off 2012 and be happy it's nearly halfway over if it weren't for the fact we're getting married this year. That seems to be its only redeeming quality. Everything else has been terrible, terrible, terrible.

Well not everything. I guess that was a little melodramatic. But only a little. I do have a wonderful best friend-life partner-fiancé who is the absolute best person in the universe. Everyone says that about his or her partner and I'm glad because that's how it should be.

We were standing in our kitchen when I said, "I'm kind of having a bad year."

I'd just realized.

Bastian came and hugged me and wasn't as shocked as I was, so I realized he'd known the whole time.
"We've been through a lot."
"We've been through more than most people ever do in their entire lives."

There are pros to this. We have handled everything that life has given us. We have seen each other in extremely difficult times. We have done all of this together and even though we love each other very much and have always understood from the first day of being together that we no longer face anything alone, it has been extremely challenging. We met when we were already in our early 20s but we have grown up together. Some parts have been funny and some parts have been sad.


This weekend we:
1. Visited the Asian market under the Hauptbahnhof to stock up on supplies.
2. Got some ice cream despite cold temperatures (me--mint Oreo, B--chocolate brownie) and walked to a flower garden by the Elbe River and took some pictures.
3. Made spicy peanut noodles and kimchi.
4. Stayed up too late watching Lost (we are only on the first season).
4.5 Dipped chocolate in peanut butter while watching Lost (Bastian the Philistine was not a fan).
5. B went to a shop to get butter for me on Sunday so I could make strawberry shortcake.
6. Ate strawberry shortcake.
7. Treated Sunday night as a Saturday night by staying up late whispering.

May 13 2012

I woke up at 8:19 (which was surprising since we'd stayed up until nearly 2 watching Lost for the very first time and as everyone else in the world knows, it's very addicting and also B and I don't always have strong willpower) and waited for Bastian to wake up. I keep a couple books and sometimes my mac next to the bed to make the wait all the more entertaining. B is a strange sleeper and I've given up trying to figure out patterns. He is usually in a solid state of comatose but sometimes he lets out a cheery "Good morning!" making me flinch, nearly dropping my book. On weekends, B doesn't hurry off to the institute so I take advantage of this and start serious conversations (today it was quasi-political, I know, I was surprised too) while still lying in bed because I've been awake and lucid with my thoughts for over an hour and upon just waking, B is too tired and weak to escape or protest.

Today we ate eggs sunny-side-up for breakfast and I was downright giddy about my patriotic peanut butter. I saw its red, white and blue label in Rewe yesterday and I just had to have it. While B was making the eggs, I rinsed off salted cabbage and finished making kimchi. I even put a load of lights into the washer. We ate breakfast and B went to his desk to work and I called my mom to wish her a happy mother's day. My mom is usually awake at 5am; I don't know, she's just one of those people, but I woke her up and we talked about the Kindle book I wanted to send her (I'm pretty bad with surprises) and I realized we didn't have any butter. I said this in a rather loud dramatic way and my mom was asking me what else I had; margarine? Maybe shortening? Did I have shortening? when B overheard and offered to get some. Yes, he really is the nicest, sweetest man (although I do know that he badly wanted strawberry shortcake today). The open shops on a Sunday in Germany are few and far between but he jumped on his bike and brought me back some butter. I made the shortcake and washed dishes while it baked. We sat down to a late lunch of leftover pasta with strawberry shortcake for dessert.

I tell you this because I want you to know that I was having a very nice day (and still am, truthfully) and only had a one-time moment when I realized I'm kind of having a bad year. Somehow my internal clock thinks it's still the beginning of 2012 when it's nearly halfway over and I knew today's date, had been thinking about it for a couple days already and I said it to B: Happy Anniversary (yes, we do go month by month). I've been in Germany for four years.

That's not even the point though.

This year, May 13 was kind of a triple-whammy; usually it's only a double (monthiversary, anniversary of Germany landing) but it was also Mother's Day today, which only lent an ironic (and sardonic) curtain fall. I never ruled out adoption growing up, probably because I'm adopted and it can be that my mom passed this on to me (having adopted 4 canines and 2 cats after me) or that I'm generally open to possibilities. It's exactly why I favor dressing in layers and why I tend to carry hand lotion, hand sanitizer, pepper spray, a hair tie, a book, a pen, a couple hair pins and a menstrual pad with me: You never know. And if you don't need these things, you might run into someone who does. You never know.

Then I met B and somehow things shifted and changed. I was suddenly noticing things in him I'd never noticed in anyone else (he has quite nice sturdy ankles! skin tone and clarity! have you ever seen such a kneecap!) and other things I was paying attention to (height, moles, eyelashes, nose, bone structure, how long he brushes his teeth) on top of the usual I-want-a-nice-boyfriend-who-will-call-me-back-when-he-says-and-who-has-a-nice-sense-of-humor. And we decided to get married about 7 months after we started dating. 

Postcards from Italy

It's not that I'm lonely. It's really not. I like being alone and I like the little visits I get from Polly during the day and the occasional street noise and the occasional quiet. I like walking into our bedroom for no reason and standing in the middle, staring at our lives combined; his bed and my blankets, his bookcase with both our books, my wardrobe with his clothes. It was a very natural thing to happen and we have lived together for a year and a half but I still stand quietly and turn slowly, staring. I marvel at this sight and yet I can't remember when it was any other way. And I like that it's our apartment and the space we share and there's no one else. I'm very selfish in that way but I like that it's only us. 

Dear Life,

"I'm writing a poem now about a nose. I've always wanted to write a poem about a nose."
-Maurice Sendak during his NPR interview.